So, after another hiatus and medication since my last post, I’m better again health wise. The downtime gave me a lot of thinking time. Amongst listening to a lot of music, my daily calm app, audible books and occasional perving of spanking sites I decided I probably don’t need to be a professional spanking model anymore. Apart from a few movies that I loved doing, which felt more personal and real than anything I did the first time around, none of these were with my professional hat on. I cried real tears so there is no longer an on/off switch between personal and professional, which i always struggled with and faked anyway. Emma Bishop left me some time ago, but I was sad to admit that and hated to let her die after all the fun we’ve had together. I had ‘retired’ 6 years ago and ran away for a while before, but my lovely friends and followers kindly asked me back for another turn. I had sooo much fun again, thanks for missing me but now I’m done professionally. I’ve taken my professional website down, but I am keeping this blog up for now at least. My latest videos are available on Spanking Library if anyone wants a final collector’s item, that’s if I don’t change my mind again! 😀

My real friends and acquaintances have always known me as princess emma, and as I found out recently Princess Diana is my 14th cousin (we share a Grandfather who was married twice, to our relative grandmothers 13 generations ago), that might explain why maybe we share similar traits, like self destructiveness and wanting to make everyone else happy.

Now, I feel a sense of loss and grief for my professional self. I’ve had such a mixture of needing to sleep more, to telling myself to not be such a lazy wuss, to crying a lot and not being able to talk about things that I go from hero to zero most days. It’s not just because im letting Emma Bishop go as a character, but I’m trying to figure out why I’m sad that nothing makes sense anymore about how I see things and what I want. I just know I will always trust my head to protect my heart until I feel safe enough to let it go again in the scene or beyond.

I was once told I’m very ‘Russian’ because things are either brilliant or terrible, so I don’t have a middle ground and I change my mind more than my knickers!. I’m not sure if that’s true of all Russians, and in my case I don’t have any Moscovite genes that I know of, but i have never been able to compartmentalise. In relationships, I want all or nothing. Love and loyalty is always total from me. I don’t have the maturity to manage my emotions like most adults can so it’s easier not to be involved in anything where I have to draw lines, compromise, and consent to stuff like it’s a freakin legal agreement. I hate any kind of compromise, I want it all, or I’m taking my gifts away and never playing again {said with a huge tantrum throw}!

Anyway, to cut to the chase, whilst I will always be a child and probably need guidance and some sort of help to ground and discipline me, I don’t need to entertain anyone or do 121 sessions as a professional, but guess there will always be pictures of my bottom!. I’m back to the curious girl who had never been spanked before, but I’ve grown up into a princess now. When I moved into my current castle, somehow I threw away all my perfumes and jewellery including my jewelled tiaras that were gifts. I only realised that a few weeks ago but after lots of searching and tears, I’ve ordered a new one.

Now, parties, friends, family and travel is all I need. I’m happier to see and make other people happy because I’ve had so much of it for years and it’s not my turn anymore, and I honestly am fabulously fine with that. I have exploited myself all I can and am happy to have fewer but more meaningful situations now. I was invited as a guest to a pro party recently to see if Id like to appear again as a spanking model, but I won’t be going. There are prettier and more keen and deserving newer girls now, and even though I can still probably do it all again, I really don’t want to ever again for my health and emotional sanity. I might change my mind again and this could just be a bad day, but at this moment this is how I feel.

So now, back to fun and no expectations or pressure on me 🙂

Pictures: Me in 2005 and now, it’s been a wonderful time and still is!