I’m back..gosh, how many times have I said that?! Just when I feel on a roll and moving ahead with new projects my health gets in the way. After making ‘Norty Butt Nice’ I had an idea for a fantastic collaboration project, but after building a site and getting it all to work, the financial gateway tools and blockers against ‘adult’ content meant it was gonna be impossible to justify a business case for small town video maker girls like me! Instead, I kept the mini series ideas and hope to do something that will be more realistic to get out there for you all.

During the same shoot as ‘The Visit’ at the end of February we shot another film called ‘The House Rules’ that was released online yesterday. As it was originally another custom type commissioned film, I wasn’t prepared with any scenario ideas like I would normally do for my own film series, as that is usually decided by the client/partner. My lovely Aunt Clara (Miss Matthews) said we would just wing it, but I still need to get my head right so I can believe in it. So far, the films I had been in lately had a reasonably well thought out storyline, so I could at least act it out and give a lot of my real self to it too when it happened naturally. This time, all I could think of was how I felt about myself in my real life, and how my general behaviour and looking after myself had all gone kaput since I no longer had the strict rules and guidance I had before for nearly all my earlier teenage life. It’s been hard for me on my own ever since without structure, and men I have trusted with disciplining me just didn’t work out, because they would always try and age me up and be sexual when my head was just being my normal self, or they expected something in return and didn’t really get how I am at all. I’ve told people to go and find a grown-up woman if they want someone who sees spanking as a foreplay prelude to sexual stuff (as someone described this) and is going to indulge that at the same time. For me, it’s two different things, there is no connection between spanking for discipline and wanting to have sex immediately afterwards because of it.  I’m still very mixed up emotionally and biologically in my body clock, and it scares me to be in this situation when I have to have adult conversations about my feelings. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m an immature teenager, or something has changed in my head, but it frightens me and makes me feel guilty, and I have spent hours wondering what to do or say to be an adult about stuff. Maybe I need to admit to myself that being in the care of a female guardian disciplinarian is more suitable and right for me, cos I feel more comfortable while i’m still working out why that is and why I think like this now.

Anyway, back to the movie… I remembered I had my last rules in the drawer and my punishment book so I thought, what the hell, I would show them to Miss Matthews (Aunt Clara), hoping she might understand a little and not just humor me because we had a film to make. We talked about it, as I embarrassingly showed her my last personal rules list, and she seemed to understand. I guess that in her job, she’s probably disciplined lots of clients or others for all kinds of reasons and maybe even set rules, i have no idea. We had filmed together quite a few times, and even if she might later go home and think I’m weird or unusual having rules as a so called ‘adult’ professional spanking model performer (which I’m not as you know), it was worth finding out how we might get through this shoot. It’s like, “this is my private territory, my whole life, my background and upbringing”, and here I am with a superstar who plays roles and fulfils fantasies for lots of people brilliantly as a career! Not sure what I expected out if it but once I place my total trust in someone to be in charge of me and my rules in real life, or even temporarily for a film like this, it is huge emotionally. I wanted to see if I could be my usual vulnerable self with someone I was only getting to know more socially through working in the scene, and we hadn’t really chatted much in this way. Having it filmed was unusual, because I grew up with private domestic discipline and mentors in my off screen life and maybe a few photos taken afterwards, but I already knew from our previous films that I totally respect, trust and admire and look up to her as a person in all ways, as i do others I’m close to, so I knew I would be cared for, and maybe we had some sort of good acting chemistry on camera to make it look real. I know she is totally professional and can do anything fantastically, but I was coming out of a method acting type scenario role this time and had no idea how I would come across, but I didn’t care.

Without going through how it went you can see ‘The House Rules’ full movie on Spanking Library, suffice to say I was sent to bed crying and stayed there for the rest of the day. It was right for me, no idea why, but it was just like what I had always known in my life was back for that time. I felt whole, normal, my usual self, and I was shown my place again in our on screen relationship situation. I was understood, I didn’t have to pretend to be an adult like I do for the rest of the vanilla world every day, and I am happier when i can be my authentic self and not have all this worry about how i look to grown ups.

It was also a day I wasn’t at my best anyway, and I was falling down running on empty dog tired. I had a virus the next day and was literally in bed for over a week. It has taken me from that day until now to start to mend. I’ve had blood tests that came back normal, yet still I have unexplained fatigue. The past three days, I walked at least 7000 steps every day and started working out gently again, and today, I started a 3 month course of folic acid tablets that I must report back on. Hopefully, they will energise me soon. I also have to go to the eye surgeon in London in a few weeks about my blepharospasm, so I’m discussing surgery as soon as I see him. Nevertheless, I decided to fight through all this and declare myself fit for professional spanking work again, cos I miss it too.

I called this post ‘A Reason to Believe’ because even though I can act, when it comes to giving myself fully to things in the scene I have to know the situation or scenario is believable…for me. That’s why I turn down adult roles that are not suitable for me. I know it limits what I do and my popularity (if i was ever in it for that), but I’m never apologising for being who and how I really am. I can play a mainstream acting adult role, and even love scenes, because they are usually reasonably believable and written for a wider audience, not to get people’s rocks off quickly :). I can be sexy, flirty, sexual, dress up, and do grown-up things i would never do in films, but only if I’m in a private relationship, or it just happens. I never want to share that personal side of me that matters, but in ‘The House Rules’ I did share a bigger part of who I am and an honest and vulnerable part of me and I felt better afterwards.

And now…I have my other career I’m busy with too, wanna get super fit and going on holidays with friends, but I’m glad I rediscovered myself even though it was just in a movie. People online say it looks like fun, but I never see any of it like that when it’s real to me, and I don’t have to think I’m being Emma Bishop.