In my last post you will see I mentioned that I had to snap myself out of feeling sorry for myself and perform again two days later? This was about a session that came up by chance one morning, followed by what was meant to be an impromptu photo shoot with John Watts over a working lunch with the fabulous Josie Harrison-Marks and Miss Matthews. We needed to be out of one place by a certain time, and we all needed to grab some food before being busy later, so on a whim it was decided to get some pictures in our outfits!

As it happened, our group morning session was an office scene involving a lovely guy who was new to the ‘office’ and the spanking scene. I was having a bad morning and giggled a lot and was sooooo tired. I should have stayed in bed, but I hate letting people down when I agree to a date. It probably showed in my attitude. I felt like a ninny around everyone there. As I have said a lot before, in real life when I’m not being Emma Bishop I’m like a typical teenager 24/7. I have the same angst and emotional difficulties like I had the first time and my head is in a completely different place. Not talking about this stuff ever again though I promise, but it affects me in certain situations sometimes and I can’t cope.

In the role play scene I had to be bossy and use status, which is nothing like me and how I am so I giggled a bit and felt I ruined everything. Also, I was bruised from a beating I took in the session two days earlier, that upset me emotionally inside. I was still angry and mad at myself for being out of controlling the session I had that day, but I thought ‘chin up, the show must go on.

Since i started doing pro sessions again and films with people I’ve not worked with before, I admit now it’s been hard and I can’t find the right line anymore between acting and real me (princess emma). In group situations when I’m uncomfortable, scared, or unsure I either laugh, or just wanna throw a tantrum and cry. I can feel awkwardly out of place, particularly when everyone’s looking at me and expecting a lot from me on cue. If I am with someone I trust who looks after me and keeps me focused I can do it. I remember my first ever spanking film made at a professional party, being made to sit in the corner in my school uniform and do some homework, while everyone was spanking the party girls and wanting to know who the new girl was. I was told to be polite but not speak to anyone and just stick to my work or else, so I did. Then I was taken into the room and spanked in front of the school governors.

It was not like this once before in spanking scenes when I played a character, because then it was new and an adventure, and I knew I was acting and playing a role. I had Drama school professional acting and Improv classes too but these vanilla roles were nothing to do with me or anything to do with spanking and I loved proper acting. In serious roles I used the method acting I was trained in and superimposed some feelings on top. I liked that distance though from real scaredeycat me, and i could hide inside a character. I would rather be real me now in spanking films and that’s why my own films and situations suit me and always have. I don’t have to fake my emotions when it feels real and gets close to how I am in real life and what I was brought up with, and it helps me to connect to someone without having to ask for help or try to act.

After the morning session, we hurried back for a photo shoot. Some clips were shot too. One of me with Miss Matthews, and then her with Josie. I spent a lot of days fixing some parts from my scene but it came out as well as it could, even though it was only supposed to be few still photos that day. You can see my film ‘Not the Office Angel’ with Miss Matthews in Spanking Library and Loyal Fans.

You can make your own mind up about if it was meant to be made as a film or not. It helped me a lot to be among family and friends that day tho just when i needed to, that’s why I came back home to my friends in the scene two years ago and made new ones. Thankewww everyone on set! Xxx