3 more weeks and I’m free from my vanilla job to do anything I want, when I want, with no ties or responsibilities yayy!

I’m lucky  to have good friends close, but love my own space and life too and have no idea where it will take me. It’s very different to anything I’ve done or felt before and scares me so much, but I know coming here by the sea was right, and regardless of what happens from now on, I’m staying.

I know as a Middle I need rules and discipline and someone to look up to and want to be my best for, but that always gets complicated. I usually keep it to myself cos I know it bored some people in the past who didn’t get it or really want to listen, but now I’m going to try to write it here…

I could never explain my needs or say it right or ask for advice from a psychologist type cos it screwed me up before when I picked the wrong people who said they wanted to “help”. I would have loved the chance to talk to someone with no hidden agenda years ago as it would have saved me lots of grief. I can’t talk to many online scene people about that part of me who totally understand

In the past it has turned into some sort of kink relationship only, with me feeling obliged to them in some way, or with sex expected even if there is no attraction to that with them on my side, or it tries to take me into an adult or BDSM role that are totally not me.

Sometimes I feel totally inadequate and useless, but I can’t help that as a weird regressed different type of girl, I can’t be what I’m not or expected to be, and it’s horrible and can be lonely and painful sometimes.

When i was younger and at FE college I had cold relationships with Disciplinarians and no aftercare, and that worked for years, but I realised I only wanted to hurt myself and get well and healthier but not let anyone in. When I tried it the other way, found the right people I trusted and made myself more vulnerable, I got taken advantage of and trophyfied and felt like i was in a harem of competitive spankees so that was even worse and I left the scene a lot broken. Then I met people I liked or loved I soooo wanted to be my perfect disciplinarian, but we didn’t have that unwritten chemistry or connection so that didn’t work either, and I hated that cos I felt it was all my fault and I let them down or led them on unknowingly.

I have my music and other things to keep me busy and very happy but may do occasional 121 role plays and parties again, as well as films and play with people I love and trust to spank me at an uncomplicated level, so at least I can get part of the spanking fun and headspace I need without any ties or feeling like anyone’s personal sub. I hate people getting possessive or jealous, even though until recently, I was jealous too. Now I am happy that people should just all get on and take out if it what they want and do things themselves with others if I’m not their total package. The late Mr Bishop taught me that. I’m safer and happier being a spanking model again cos’ I can just have fun and superimpose my feelings when I choose to into the scenario where I’m supposedly playing a character. Only I know how much of it feels real inside.

Anyway, I’ve finished finally getting this out and am having a little while now to finish my job, sleep for days, and then get superfit and take one day at a time again with no schedule and living the best life for myself. It’s not my responsibility to make anyone else happy, be responsible for their life choices, or to feel like I owe anyone anything, I have given more than enough of myself back online and in reality 🙂