I have had a long break (of course I ran away to my palace in Tuvalu again to think) and have come up with some decisions. The observations I have made about myself over the last 18 months of lockdown:

• I am good enough.
• I don’t have to dumb myself down and let anyone control me, I never did. I have only ever found a very few people in my entire life that were ahead of me intellectually and I respected enough to let them really dominate me. It was real and all I needed at the time. Most times I am acting and testing people out, however “good” or hard they may be at hitting me with stuff, it was never about that. That’s on me, it is not your fault.
• Spanking can be fun, nobody has to hurt me. I never wanted to be really hurt so I hate it, I ALWAYS wanted to be real and true to myself in the moment. I can laugh and say “I liked that bit” or “no, that was too hard, stop now”. I know what I like and nobody can change that. That’s on me, it is not your fault
• Just being spanked doesn’t turn me on. The words, voices, the thought of it, certain things linked to chemistry, build up and charm turn me on more. I can’t describe what I like, I just know that feeling. That’s on me, it is not your fault.
• I no longer believe I can have a Domestic Discipline relationship, I don’t trust anyone enough to really care about me and want to look after me and not just hit me with things for their own gratification. That’s on me, it is not your fault.
• Most spanking relationships I have had last no longer than 3 months before I am bored, they have tried everything they can to convince me it will work (or lie to me for a while longer), and I want more than they can give me. That’s on me, it is not your fault.
• I don’t need spanking to be happy, I love music and acting much much more, always did. I would rather play guitar or piano and jam with someone else all day and write songs and make sweet music together than be spanked. Spanking is nowhere near on the same planet as music and writing new songs, making videos and performing them turns me on much more.
• I guess I’ve grown up a lot more now, I see things differently

I have a debitating illness now too, which may affect my judgement and the decisions I make, but it is possible it can improve a bit if I am lucky. I have always been a bit bi-polar too (which I have never understood or seen a Doctor about) as I have huge highs and weeks of relentless working on music, followed by burnout and sleeping for hours and shutting the world away, but I need the energy the swings give me to give my best. I did/do that in my films as an actress, and as a model too. Hours of analysing, hours of planning and the exhilliration of giving everything to a session or film or person in a scene, but nobody saw me afterwards when I came down and very few were there for me when I did. It’s the loneliest thing in the world to think you have given everything but there is nobody there to talk to about it afterwards or help you heal and come down safely to earth.

So, I have decided:

• I am selling my memories, apart from a few that don’t take up much space. I will put the items and photos up on my website here soon, but not sure if it will be an auction (ebay or something similar), Fetlife group, or just ‘best offers’ emails.
• I think I have lost my kink, I am no use to anyone who wants to spank me or control me and that is their main goal. I do not want to do this anymore, it has disillusioned me, it is not what I thought it should be and I don’t think I can give myself to someone that much. It’s too late for me to think maybe I just haven’t met the right person, because I can’t put myself through that anymore, I am finished by trying to hard and wishing for too much. The hopes I had as a middle princess have been ruined and spoiled and nobody truly understands what it’s like for me, but I DID have fun, lots of it mainly at parties :).
• I don’t have the time to write about this anymore, I have far too much to do in my other life, and anyway it upsets me writing about it all all that has happened over a lot of years. Now I am strong enough to shut it out by doing other things that make me happier, in fact people who really know me say I only really come alive when I’m singing and playing my music, probably because its my safest zone :).
• Finally, as much as I have loved being Emma Bishop and making films for you, I wish I could have had a normal life. I wish I had someone who isn’t into spanking at all but just wants to love me for myself and I know it’s not because I am/was Emma Bishop.

This is my last post, but I will leave Bishy’s Blog up and I hope you enjoy my work and what I tried to say and do. I never look at my work (even though I have had people saying should watch my own films) because I remember them as they really were to me (the room, sounds, people, friends etc). But it is over, it truly is, there will be no 3rd comeback.

Thanks for the memories. I will stay in touch with friends when I can pop into Fetlife or Twitter and one day when we are all old and grey I hope I can smile about this. xxx