This month has been amazing. Not only have I managed to get myself spanked for all kinds of things and into scrapes that even I’m impressed with, but some of my scene friends from my days in London turned up yesterday aka Josie and Jadie. Last time we hung out together was a late night in Bethnal Green when we got slung out of the Comedy Club, and there was a lotta drink, so there was lots to catch up on, but like with all people who I’m close to, nothing has really changed. I didn’t realize that when I ran away and left the scene years ago, some people actually noticed, and that it was probably mean to just disappear and not say how I was. I had so many great times and fulfilled all my dreams, or thought I had, and as my posts and messages were becoming less and less, I thought I could quietly slip away. Thankfully, there’s this thing called social media around a lot more now and it’s very true that you can run but you can’t hide, unless its to avoid a spanking tee hee, so when I was traced in a totally different place and was now very south of the river, the bounty on my bottom was claimed! Anyway, I’m not leaving again, these are my peeps and so are many other spankos, so we should stick together and remember that we are a family of sorts. I never got that before, but I do now. I belonged even when I thought I was an outsider and probably got way above my station once incognito posing as a double-barrelled pampered princess living in the sticks, so that’s very cool I can still be a council housed girl made bad again!

So… last night I did have more to drink that my usual allowance when I had rules I had to report on weekly and keep a behaviour diary. Today I was crying a lot and hyper all night so it felt like a loss this morning and I was sad. I find it hard to function, when I don’t have any rules or accountability and now I’m about 10lbs too heavy, tired all day and a serial procrastinator again, and haven’t touched my lovely piano for weeks even though hundreds of pounds have been paid for my lessons this year, and that’s only a few things I’m pretty rubbish at sticking to now. I’m doing all this film stuff now and having to be uber grown up every day which kills me, but might have to just admit that I will need help again eventually cos today wasn’t great. I’m told I’m like a firework (confirmed by someone else) cos I’m all over the place and jumping from one thing to another, but the honest truth is that I’m nervous and the energy from that hides the fact I’m still a teenager inside and this is freaking hard just to get through some days. Luckily, I have an amazing guy in my life who lets me get on with it and supports everything I do and is there for me. He gives me lots of spankings and is like a new muse to me so I’m just about coping, but I’m very happy in the vanilla things that matter.

I had a lovely session recently with a new Uncle and was spanked across his knee in a high-backed wooden chair he said I had to have. He is very particular about things right down to my school underwear and it was good to try a scene where I could be myself. I did hint that I may film a scene one day, but decided to turn the camera on and film our first ‘meeting’, which I suppose was bit naughty but he was very happy with it. It came out ok though I think as it was fly on the wall and I called the film ‘The Spanking Chair’, so will have it online soon. Because, as my long stranding readers will know, I was mentored and disciplined privately way before I heard of any ‘Scene’ or ‘Play’ between people or ‘Parties’, I like everything to be real. Discipline should be in total private with no cameras or anything, like I was used to. That has never been replaced in my life for a while, so I try to get as close to that as I can in films but it’s not the same when you are conscious of other people there so placing the camera and turning it on myself was better with this new Uncle. The only difference is that it takes time to know if there is enough chemistry to make it something regular, which I kinda need, so I find they are still like trial sessions or ‘scenes’ at a party with a stranger and i wasnt relaxed enough. but we will see.

When I know I have a Disciplinary type connection, I really know deep down as soon as someone spanks me. Although I hate the pain from real spankings, it means more to me than anything I do in films because it’s about someone really knowing me and wanting to help me and it doesn’t feel like funishment or just a harder role play scene. If I know they can handle me and are very experienced and won’t let me get my own way then I’m a completely different girl towards them. My behaviour eventually improves a lot, because it’s not a game to me and there are undertones in vanilla life too. I hate letting them down, and myself, and will try hard for real to be a very good girl and achieve everything I’m told to do. I have so much I wanna do and learn but no list or agenda or timetable and it’s a total mess. I really feel vulnerable and open to self-destruction when I’m left to make up my own rules and not have an adult in charge of me anymore, so I keep throwing myself into a zillion things at once and hope I won’t break.

I have a love/hate relationship with Discipline. I know for a fact I need it as part of my life, but I won’t accept it if I know it won’t work for me with someone. I had that before with someone I loved deeply, and it broke my heart to tell him, but he still loved me enough to let me have a Mentor in another (non sexual) relationship. I still get upset when I think about the time, he asked me why he wasn’t good enough to be my Disciplinarian, and I felt so much guilt for not feeling it or making it work and I often play it back in my mind and cry, but I just knew I would resent it if he hit me too hard or in anger, and we would end up falling out if I did let him have that role in my life.

I feel sometimes as if maybe I’m poly or being too greedy, and maybe I am as after all I was once in a triad with an Australian M/F couple, but I don’t think I am because I am too emotional and it’s way too big to handle having to keep too many people happy. I like spanking way more than sexual stuff so I’d be rubbish at poly cos I think sex is a huge part of it. Maybe I’m just poly in spanking and need variety and that’s why I love films and parties? I really don’t know, and will never know what I want spanking wise until it hits me in the face..or the bottom again! I just know how it feels by the highs and lows I get, and that is all I can go by. I’m off to a local (UK) spanking party soon. I was sad I had to miss Lone Star in the US through my health and not having anyone to look after me there, and I have some more great films coming up soon and more parties …soooo much to look forward to yayyyy!.

Oh, and last but not least I had an amazing shoot with Miss Matthews at the weekend which left me with lots to think about. I haven’t had what she called “proper maternal discipline” before, and it was different and more embarrassing and stricter and I wanted to do well and get through it so she didn’t think I was a ninny but it also felt right and proper too, particularly when I was told I’m also back in School uniform in her care. My real-life mum actually went to a posh Girls Grammar School and although we had lots of love in our big family it was hard and we were not well off, and had my own problems going on mentally so didn’t try at school and was incredibly shy and unconfident. The Hobbs Twins (two beautiful girls) were my best friends at Junior School and I got bullied a lot by boys who were jealous that we went everywhere together when I was the ugly duckling. In high school Miss Stevens was my teacher and I had to learn to type and sit in a straight chair properly which helped me as a model I suppose. My Business Studies exam as the only one I passed too because I was with my friends, but the boys still hated me. Plus I was very mixed up when I was little and often ill with ‘nervous debility’ and Doctors ignoring me but that’s a separate long story. My mum did correct my speech though when I started speaking London slang but gave up once it was everywhere on our estate. When I met Michael and learnt Shakespeare at Drama school I could even do RP really good.

Anyway, my films with Miss Matthews look OK and she was brilliant. You know I hate watching my films and pick at everything, and I didn’t even think about how I looked or comb my hair or put a (tad) of make up on as I was so nervous rushing around because she was coming to Bishy Towers, but at least they are real me at home and I don’t care. I know she is a lovely wonderful person but it’s Miss Matthews so I look up to her and that helped a lot. Apart from the scene outline I could be myself more and not care if she thought I was weird and very scatty, because i am. If I never did another film but a camera was in my house, I actually do things I shouldn’t do or don’t do what I should without trying and that’s why I get in so much trouble.

Here are some recent pics to bounce me out of overthinking it and boring you all..stick with me please!